Trinity Blood The Story
by Clarity2199
Summary: Remake parody of the mangaanime story. Warning on some minor language, possible future sex jokes, ridiculous violence.


**TRINITY BLOOD**

Trinity Blood The Story

Narr: This is basically a comedy version on the concept behind the basics of Trinity Blood. Each chapter I will attempt to make fun of a certain episode...either the manga, anime, or both. I'll try to be in some sort of order, though nothing's guaranteed. Also, I can only put out episodes and chapters if I have seen them. Which means, I may only be able to submit a new spoof chapter 'after' a new one shows up (either DVD, manga, on internet, or on TV). So, if I don't see any new updates for awhile...don't blame me.

I do not own Trinity Blood...I don't even own the computer I'm typing on! I'd be lucky if I even own the clothes that I wear!

* * *

**Chapter 1. The Man Who Was Chased By Crows**

On the streets of Istvan, a man passed a woman who was dressed as a guy. She turned, having the strangest feeling about him. And it wasn't the big star-lit 'Main Character' words stamped on him, either... He had black wings!

"Well...you don't see that every day," she muttered.

As the man walked past, black crows enviously leered down at him. One of them turned to his fellow crow, cawing,

"Hey! That dude has bigger wings than we do!"

"That bastard! He's got a lot of nerve. Let's go kick his ass!" the second crow cawed.

After the third crow cawed out "Dive bomb the human!!" a huge flock of crows decided to descend on the hapless person. Since the woman-dressed-as-a-guy continued to stand there staring, she witnessed the birds suddenly attacking him, as well.

However, she continued to stand there, muttering, "Wow...you don't see that everyday, either." But then to her

horror, she found that the guy was running right towards her, flock of crows in tow.

SLAM!!

"Hi!" said the strange goofy-looking priest with absolutely no wings whatsoever, causing the crows to circle in confusion and finally fly away. "I'm Abel Nightloaded, a traveling priest and the main character and hero of this show! But, I don't have any secrets! I'm definitely not an under-cover vampire-killing secret agent! And I don't eat vampires on the side, either!"

"Oooookay," she said, looking at him strangely. The guy looked like he was barely in his 20s; he wore glasses, and had silver hair that was so long, he could be mistaken for Rapunzel. But, that wasn't surprising to her, since during this period in time it appeared to be the 'in thing' for guys to look like fairy princesses.

He also wore a strange 'Goth' cross that was just about the same length as his hair, and could probably use the chain to strangle someone with, if he wanted to. Despite that, she could definitely tell he was the 'hero' type, since he also carried a gun that was just about as long as his arm, and it was a well-known fact that only heroes had guns _that_ big!

The guy crossed his arms against her look, saying, "Oh, you think _that's_ so strange? And I suppose dressing up as a guy is normal for women around here??"

"Sssshhh!" she hissed. "That's a secret! If you're going to the church, don't tell Mother Viagra! I'm Pester, by the way...the 'second' main character of the story. But I'm not doing any illegal activity, and I'm certainly not wandering around trying to kill people for revenge!"

"Hi!" a young man with delightfully mussed brown hair and a signature 'bad boy' attitude interjected, leaping into the conversation from a side-alley. "You'll see me jumping in and out of this entire series. That's Pester...the person

I'm back-stabbing for kicks! Er… I mean... my very '_good'_ _friend!_ I'm Dietrich...And I'm not at all a secret agent for an evil radical group trying to create the second Apocalypse or anything! Nope!"

"Right!" Abel said, giving a thumbs up. "So... can we go to the church now? I'm hungry. In fact, I'm ravenously hungry all the time! I have a black hole for a stomach that never seems to be satiated. It could be because the Vatican church I work for starves me all the time. Then again, being that I'm the only Vatican AX member _ever_ starving for food, and being that I'm a vampire that eats vampires... perhaps _that_ could be the real reason for my voracious appetite. Er... I didn't say that, either."

(skip to the next scene!!)

An Evil Human Military Force stood at ready, as a vampire stepped out before them. This would automatically mark the situation 'strange' to begin with, but there were a few things strange about the vampire, as well. First, and most obviously... it had a big stamp on its head, proclaiming itself as the 'First Main Baddie chosen to Kick the Bucket'.

Secondly, this vampire also had long, flowing princess-like hair, making one think at first that it was a woman, when frighteningly enough...it was a guy.

He/she turned to the evil group, stating, "I am Ghouly...your boss. Yeah...it's probably only one of the many dumb names that you'll hear in this show. But fortunately, I won't be around long enough for that to matter. However, I do want take this moment to say that I _hate churches!_ I hate 'em, I hate 'em, I _hate_ 'em!"

The Captain (who very much 'should' have been a vampire with all the sharp teeth he displayed) grinned ferally, saying, "Can we go kill them, boss? Since the hero's now here at the church...it's probably the perfect moment."

"Beep beep...affirmative."

Everyone turned to stare at the speaker, a new military member in their group. This person just happened to appear one day, yet no one ever questioned the fact and automatically assumed he was completely loyal and not a double agent, like everyone else seemed to be in this episode.

...until now, that is.

"Is there a reason this soldier talks and moves like a robot?" Ghouly asked.

"Oh, no...he's a normal human, just like all of us!", the Captain said. "That's just a new-fangled break-dance routine called the 'Robot'... even though it's over 1000+ years since that dance was ever created." The strange, out of character knowledge didn't seem to faze the captain; perhaps because he had been denied any other reasonable outlet for voice-over acting and was simply taking advantage of the opportunity.

Ghouly looked back over at the new soldier, noticing that his left eye for some reason had a red glow to it, as if it were a built-in laser scope...something also not typical of a normal human being. "What is that… glowy eye-thingee?"

"Beep beep," the soldier answered. "I am Tres. I am normal. I am not a robot. I am also not working for the Vatican, and not assigned to kill you all."

Lord Ghouly was suspicious at first. But, seeing that his _captain_ was a human and looked like a cross between a shark-man and a vampire, he didn't think to question it further. "Okay," he said, and continued on.

(Next scene!)

The small group, Dietrich and Pester and their silverhaired third wheel (minus the crows), went to the church. When they arrived, Mother Viagra came out to greet them, wearing what looked like a Star Trek security guard outfit.

"Greetings, Father Nightloaded."

"Mother...what are you wearing?" Pester asked.

"Well, I saw it in the church, and thought it looked so nifty that I'd try it on," she said, turning and displaying her black pants-clad legs and well-supported red chest. "Do you like it? I think it shows off my – "

Immediately after, missiles and gunfire seemed to come from everywhere, blowing up Mother Viagra and the entire church in an entire spectacle of overkill!

"Wow!" Abel said, shocked. "A word to the wise. If you ever see that kind of outfit...for God's sake, don't try it on!"

Pester stared up at the mushroom cloud that loomed over where the church once was, saying, "Was that ridiculously overdone amount of gunfire _really necessary_ on a church and an unarmed nun??!"

They turned at last to see where the gunfire had come from, suddenly realizing that both of them were surrounded by two hundred trigger-happy soldiers, all aiming with intent to kill them.

"Heh heh heh," the Evil Captain laughed maniacally. "Even though we're not supposed to harm the church, we did so anyway! And now we're going to kill you, because we work for a vampire!"

But, before anyone could fire the first shot, there came yet ANOTHER overkill of gun fire. As all two hundred soldiers instantly fell dead on the ground, behind the fallen army is Tres... the one strange soldier that came out of nowhere, still flashing around his strange 'glowy eye-thingee', which none of the soldiers for some reason had ever thought of as abnormal.

"Tres...you killed them all!" Abel said in shock. "Why did you do that?"

"Because it was fun," Tres answered in his monotonous robot tone. "I blew up the church too, just for kicks."

Abel smiled weakly, adding, "But, Tres... I didn't think robots understood emotions, like 'fun' or 'for kicks'."

"Oh," Tres answered slowly, as it took a moment for the clanking gears to move. "Positive."

"Oh, nevermind," Abel laughed, dismissing the moment. "Well, let's just to go to Ghouly's place and kick some vampire ass!"

"Proper," Tres answered, crossing his arms gangster-style, still wielding his guns.

Everyone ended up at Ghouly's castle. Well...almost everyone. Dietrich had conveniently vanished earlier as soon as there was a hint of danger (or perhaps to prepare for the sudden influx of new toy soldiers the battle had given him), and somewhere along the cobbled streets, Tres seemed to have also mysteriously disappeared.

Now noticing them both gone, Pester decided that this was a wonderful heart-wrenching moment to wallow in self-pity. "Oh, woe! When I became part of the church, I was an orphan with nobody! My parents didn't want me... my mind-reading abilities pissed them off and they kicked me out, leaving their boot imprint on my ass that looked like the shape of a star! Mother Viagra called it the Star of Hope, because she had also hoped to kick me out on my ass someday, for being such a whiny bitch! And now with everyone gone, I'm all alone!!"

Abel looked at her strangely. "Uh... hello? I'm here! What am I, chopped liver??"

"That's why they named me Pester, because they felt my whining always 'pestered' them! Nobody wants me, and I am forced to face Ghouly's place all alone and by myself!!" she continued to wail, redundantly.

"Hey!!!" Abel cried out, waving his hands in front of her face. "I'm here helping you!!"

"How can I ever do this all alone???" she cried.

Tempted to bitch-slap Pester in order to shut her up, but refraining because after all he _was_ supposed to be a man of God, he finally grabbed the nun by her collar and shook her. "I'm here! I'm helping you! Quit yer damn whining!!"

"Huh?" she asked, finally noticing Abel again, as if it was the first time she'd ever seen him. "Oh, my God! I did all that whining, and for the first time I found someone who didn't try to get rid of me!! This MEANS something!!"

"I was half-tempted to shoot you..." Abel muttered to himself.

"I think I'm in love!!!" Thus fortified, Pester now stood and bravely announced, "Well, let's go in there and take out

Ghouly!!"

BOOM!!

They both looked up to see another mass explosion... this time it came from space. "Either those are some seriously cool fireworks, or... Tres has some really kick-ass weaponry!!" Pester remarked, impressed.

"I have a feeling that's not Tres," Abel stated. "We'd better get in there. The writers of this show are only going to wait so long for some action, after all."

But before they could do anything else, action or otherwise, they were once again surrounded by guards.

"See what I mean?" Abel sighed, assuming (correctly, of course) that the writers purposely threw the guards in just to get the story moving quicker.

All these guards, and this time, no Tres. On the good side, though... the guards didn't have that freaky Captain with them. So, they simply captured the pair this time, instead of trying to kill them.

(Next Scene!)

Abel and Pester were disarmed and brought to a lush living room, where Ghouly was seated at a table, swirling what looked like wine in a glass. The guards sat them down at the end of the long table, and left the room.

"Ghouly... you killed my mother!!" Pester yelled.

"Actually, my guards did. And she wasn't really your mother, was she? But...yeah, I ordered it," he said, staring morosely at the wine. He then slid a gun across the table, saying, "Well, here...kill me! Please! I'm sick of this damn show! I already have 'marked for death' stamped on my forehead like a big bulls-eye! And I hate the taste of red food coloring in water! So, just shoot me!"

"Okay!" Pester chirped perkily, reaching for the gun.

But Abel slammed his hand down on the gun first, shouting, "No, Pester! You can't kill him! Killing people is wrong, and so you should never resort to that for any reason!"

"Oh. I never thought of it that way. You're right!" the girl smiled, nodding as if she understood.

Abel smiled back radiantly. "Good." He then picked up the gun and shot at Ghouly. Time seemed to stop.

"Wait a minute!!" Pester cried in shock. "You just said killing is wrong! So, why are you doing it??"

The silverhaired priest looked at her. "Because I'm a hypocrite throughout the entire story. You'll find that out, soon enough. Besides, it's okay if _I_ kill. Just don't kill anyone yourself," he concluded piously.

Sadly, as time resumed its flow, it became clear that Abel's shot had missed. And the suicidal vampire was so pissed off that Abel missed, he grabbed the priest and tied him up in a chair.

"Oh, no! I'm tied up in a chair!!" Abel thought in a panicked voice-over. "Even though I can transform into this ultra-powerful demonic-looking vampire dude, as long as I'm tied in a chair with common rope... I'm helpless!"

"Oh, brother," Pester said, rolling her eyes and throwing away the script.

Suddenly, Dietrich waltzed into the room, complete with trademark smirk. "Oops...sorry about that misfire, boss. I accidentally blew up your yacht instead of the city of Rome . That's not a problem... is it?"

"Dietrich! You mean...you're really _not_ my friend??" Pester cried in shock. "You're really a secret agent working for Ghouly, just like Tres was a secret agent for the Vatican? Gosh, I never saw that coming! I mean, even though all those vampire attacks in the past kept killing everyone else and strangely sparing you, and even though you keep completely disappearing during times of trouble...I just couldn't imagine there was even a _chance_ of that! Why did you pretend to be my friend??"

"It was the shower scenes," Dietrich admitted. "They don't have any hot babes on the bad guy side. So, every time you took a shower, I kept peeking in on you. It's no wonder the ditzy priest here has such a woody for you."

Abel blushed and quickly placed his loosely tied hands over his crotch to hide his other growing weapon. "That's not true! I've never seen her in the shower... well, not officially, anyway. Wait a minute...I'm not a ditz!!"

Everyone turned and together nodded in agreement. "Yeah... you are."

Abel dropped his head and took a moment to wallow in angst.

Lord Ghouly shrugged.

"So, anyway," Dietrich stated, "I have the secret code to the Star of Sorrow, and the only way I'll give it to you is if you chase after me, so you conveniently can't see the priest change into an ass-kicking vampire killer!" He then ran out of the room.

"Oh," Pester said. "Okay!" She blindly followed after him.

"Oh, goody!" Abel said, waking from his emo-moment. "Now I can break out of this by turning into my 'other' form... which is probably the only reason we have fans in the first place: to watch me turn into a Freak'n Cool-Looking Mega-Monster! Because, Lord knows it's not the plotlines!"

Abel wigs out into his Crusnik form; form 1, after reciting some kind of fancy technojargon mantra to do so.

"Wonder Twin Powers, activate! Form of... a Crusnik!"

"Hold on!" Ghouly stated. "What the hell was up with that whole 'activation' thing? I thought you were supposed to _be_ this 'Crusnik'. So, what you're saying is you're not really a true Crusnik...you're a ROBO-Crusnik!?"

"Well...yeah," the Crusnik stated thoughtfully. "I suppose that is kind of a downer, regarding the whole 'I'm not really a demon but a machine' thing. But it was either that, or we'd have to explain why a Crusnik race can change into a human, or explain it away as 'magic'. And since everything in this story is explained by either technology or 'ancient' technology...'Robo-Crusnik' it is."

"Well, Christ...at least I'm real, and not artificially flavored…" Ghouly remarked.

Robo-Crusnik then whipped out some really wild-ass thing that looked like a cross between a scythe and a gothic electric guitar, and slashed it across Ghouly's stomach, snapping, "Don't ever take the Lord's name in vain! Hmm...vein...yum!"

When Pester finally managed to find her way into the room, Ghouly was a mangled heap on the floor, and also partially drained of blood. As for Abel, except for him licking his lips like he just ate... he seemed perfectly normal. The pretty bow was back in his hair, glasses were on, and miraculously any wounds done to him from excessive carnage in past scenes were all amazingly healed. Strangely, he also had no holes in his gloves where his claws came out, either. Pester, of course, didn't notice.

"Okay... I got this worthless code from the traitor, so you were able to take care of Ghouly without me being here. Now I'm going to try and use the code, which won't do anything, anyway," she said, going up to the computer to attempt to put the code in.

"No! I won't let you put the code in!! My wife made that death machine and I'll protect it with my life!!" Ghouly snarled, charging forward again despite most of his organs being on the floor.

Again, Abel became Robo-Crusnik...this time form 2, becoming Mega-Robo-Crusnik, just to show off his awesome cool black wings to 'wow' the audience.

Not only did the wings shield Pester from any harm...for some reason, Pester also didn't notice the big menacing black winged form from behind, being 'soooo' involved in punching in those code numbers. It was also a good thing she tossed away the script before she had a chance to find out more.

'Whew' Abel thought. 'Good thing that code has her so involved, that she doesn't notice me in this form!. After all...if she sees me like this, she might be afraid and not like me. And being that this is my very first crush in the entire nine hundred years I've been down here on Earth, I'm completely enamored by her whiney-ass self!! She reminds me so much of…'

"Oh, my god...are you done with the pathetic flashbacks, already?! Get on with it!", Ghouly impatiently snapped, while standing there, tapping his foot and waiting for Abel to be done with his pathetic moments of Emo-ing.

"Right!" Snapping out of emotional problems, he once again whipped out his scythe, lopping Ghouly's arm off. He then picked it up and started to excessively beat him with it. There was so much blood strewn everywhere that much of it splattered against the camera, in order to keep the gore and horror freaks happy.

"The code's not working!!" Pester said in surprise and horror, even though it was pretty obvious from the very start it wasn't going to work.

"Oh. Let me help," said the priest, who was back to normal just in time as Pester turned to see him.

He stepped over to the computer and decided to show off to the audience more of his intriguing past, making the lesson of the day clear; even a ditsy airhead like himself could figure out, given enough time and fancy genetic engineering, how to turn off a ancient super-computer-powered satellite death-ray that was about to blow up Rome.

"Wow," Pester said, amazed. "You're so great and knowledgeable in strange ancient ways," she continued, as if she were reciting from cue-cards being held up behind him. Which, in fact, she was. "I am _so_ impressed. You are such a man!"

With Abel's ego appropriately bolstered on confirmation that his wannabe girlfriend thought he was 'the Man', he failed to notice the Evil Captain of the guards come charging in. Until, that is, the Evil Captain gave up trying to find his lines on the cue-cards. "I'll kill you all! I don't know why, but I'll just kill you all!!"

"Isn't he supposed to be dead?" Abel thought, out loud.

"Well, that would explain why he doesn't have any more lines," Pester remarked.

But before the priest could take any action, Tres also came smashing in, brandishing his two specialty guns which both read 'Killjoy' on them.

"Yay!" Abel squealed. "It's Tres! We're saved!!"

Tres fired, killing the Captain by blowing his head off once and for all. "Vampire spotted," he added as an afterthought, shooting the gory corpse of Ghouly to ensure he was dead, And being the trigger-happy robo-freak he was, he shot Abel too, just to be safe.

After three shots, Abel dropped.

Pester ran to Tres and hugged him. "Tres, you saved me! You're my hero!!" she cried, ignoring the senseless violence that was imparted to everyone else, as well.

"Affirmative," Tres replied. "It's great to be the hero."

"Wait a minute!" Abel gurgled. "I'm the hero...!"

Tres aimed and shot Abel again, shutting him up, while thinking to himself, 'Not if I have anything to say about it.'

Ghouly then opened his eyes, despite the wounds that implied that he should have been killed many scenes ago. He pointed towards the ceiling and muttered deliriously, "Ooooh...pretty stars!"

Again, Tres pointed and fired, this time causing Ghouly's head to explode. Cue more blood-splatter and gibs for the horror fans.

(Scene Change)

Fortunately for Abel, he lacked the silver allergy that normal vampires had, thanks to him being an artificial 'Robo-Crusnik' (how convenient!). And because he was Robo-Crusnik, he also seemed to have an ability to regenerate himself and a knack for taking many fatal wounds without ever actually dying. Because of these bonuses, Abel was up and around in no time...as if he were a cartoon character. (hmmm...)

"Well, Tres...it looks like I'm still the hero," Abel said, slapping Tres on the back. "It seems that I'll be the one that ends up getting the girl in the end."

Because Tres was an android, he displayed no emotions of hate or jealousy. However, that didn't keep him from thinking, 'We'll see about that...'

Pester then conveniently ran up to them, panting prettily. "Guess what, guys! I'm coming with you, so that I can be with Abel, since he's just about the only one left that can handle being around me, anyway!"

And so it continued.

Closing:

...this episode closed with a wonderful and touching scene with pretty, emotional music about Broken Wings, and Pester walking away from a grave that read 'Abel Nightloaded'.

"Wait a minute!!!" Abel cried. "Abel Nightloaded?!! But, that's _me!!_ How can that be MY grave! I'm the star!!!"

"Sorry, Abel...but this is one of those dramatic heart-wrenching shows of unrequited love, where the hero dies in the end. That's just the way it's written," Pester explained.

"Nooo!! That's not fair!!" Abel cried, sulking. "I've been alive for over nine hundred years! Why do I have to die NOW!??"

Tres casually closed the script on the computer, after having reprogrammed it, and offered a hint of a deceptive smile. "Positive. Hero does not always get the girl in the end...android does." He then robotically walked away, anxiously awaiting the end of the series, when he would finally get his.

* * *

Narr: One more warning...I assumed as I continue on, I'll probably have access to the same thing that everyone else does. But, just incase you don't...keep in mind that each chapter probably contains spoilers to the actual show, even though a lot has been changed and modified for the sake of comedy. Anyway, you have been warned. 

Special Note: I now have an editor! Isn't that wonderful! Chapter 1 has been re-done a third time, and I would like to thank KB Arallion for the wonderful job of helping me out. It shouldn't be much longer before Chapter 2 finally comes out.


End file.
